Thursday, October 29, 2009

Well, I have had the worst day of my life. I can't give the details because if someone I know comes across this they will automatically know who I am. It involves school. Anyways. I think I did pretty good with eating today. However, I didn't fast like I was supposed to. I am proud of myself though. Usually during times like this I eat everything in sight, but I didn't do that this time. I ate lunch at school and I ate a little bit of pasta when I got home. I drank a small lunch carton of fat-free white milk and a few glasses of water. No school tomorrow. A little Halloween break. I plan to use the day to work on my ana/mia/ednos diary, workout, and study a few tips and tricks to see what works for me and what doesn't based on experiment. I have a little tip that works great. If you have really skinny friends, examine them when you get the chance (without being noticed, of course.). Look at everything you find appealing on their body. You will want it so bad that you will refuse food. Also, picture yourself that size. When you cut your weight in half, your friendships double. Less weight, more friends. People will be drawn to you. Try it out and let me know if it works for you. It does for me. :D

Stay strong, starve on.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Hi everyone. First I would like to thanks xokinsey for your encouraging comment. You helped me realize that I am not the only on with weak points.
Well yesterday, as you know, I decided to eat regularly. It went okay, I guess. It definitely made me feel terrible, but today is a fasting day. I have done great so far. I have only consumed water. I am just a little concerned that I will go back to eating. Those few days of failure have really discouraged me. I didn't exercise yesterday, as planned. However, I will today. I always exercise during my fasts. I know you shouldn't. You are supposed to rest, but I don't and I don't plan to. I need to exercise more than anything. Plus this will be a three day fast, so there isn't really much danger in exercising during it, unless I start feeling dizzy. I am always safe. If I feel I am going to pass out, I stop exercising and continue when I have more strength. Leave me a few comments. :D

Stay strong, starve on.




One more thing. If you have a myspace, add To Write Love On Her Arms. www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms. They really need the support. If you don't know what TWLOHA is, it is a non-profit organization that helps self-mutilation victims (people who cut themselves.) It is supported by people such as Paramore, Meg and Dia, A Skylit Drive, The Rocket Summer, Thrice, Amy Lee of Evanescence, Jimmy Eat World, Copeland, Anberlin, Hawthorne Heights [[RIP Casey Calvert]], and much more. You can go to their website and purchase clothing items and donate to their charity. http://www.twloha.com/. You can also go to http://www.halfofus.com/ to learn more about suicide, self-mutilation, depression, etc. Thanks so much my starving beauties.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I don't know what is going on with me. I have never made this many mistakes, since I have had my eating disorder. I slipped up again. Yesterday I said I was going to fast, and then I fucked up. Then I swore I was going to fast for the rest of the day and I fucked up again. I ate more of my mother's leftovers from the night before. Then I ate what she cooked last night. I wanted to purge so bad, but I couldn't. My mom was in the computer room for hours, which is right by the bathroom. I need to take control of myself and my eating. I don't know what is happening. Maybe my body and mind has suffered so much from the lack of calories, causing me to give up. Has anybody else had a streak like this, where no matter how hard they tried they just couldn't resist food? If so please let me know that I'm not alone. I fear calories. They haunt my dreams. They are what made my life so terrible before my eating disorder. I don't want them messing my life up again. I must resist. Today, however, I decided I will eat normally. I chose to do this for two reasons. One (the main reason), maybe if my body gets a normal amount of calories it wont reject the starvation to a point where I am (basically) unwillingly eating. Two, I just can't deal with failure right now. If I lower my goal for the day, I won't be disappointed. Tomorrow I will fast. I don't care how much my body wants to endulge. I will not eat. If, for some reason, I just so happen to slip up, I will purge it all away. The starving part of my mind may have tricked my body into eating, but it can't stop me from shoving my fingers down my throat, ridding myself of the disgusting calories. I am sorry I have let you down Ana, but I promise I will make it up to you.

Goals for the Day:
 - eat normally.
 - 2 hours of FitTV exercise programs.
 - 1 hour walk.

Stay strong, starve on.

I know I haven't been strong lately, but don't give up. Even if you have weak points like me, you can always bounce back. I know I will.

Monday, October 26, 2009 [Part Two]

I wish someone could tell me where all of my self control went. How is it that not even five minutes of posting my last blog I find my self wandering to the kitchen? My mind reaching out for something to hold onto to keep me from the devious calories, but my hands reaching out openly for them. I pull out my mothers leftovers from last night, put them in the microwave, salivating at the smell of the chicken. The microvawe beeps, I pull the plate out and start shoving it into my wanting mouth. My fingers are burning from the high temperature of the chicken, but they don't care, they are getting what they want. Honestly, what is wrong with me? How could I fuck up so many times in three days? I want so badly to run into the bathroom and thrust my fingers down my greedy throat, forcing it all out. But I swore to myself I would never turn to purging again. Why shouldn't I? I should punish my body for what it has done. But I won't. Instead I will work off the calories, I will exercise to no end. I will exercise until I collapse from the pain and once I recover, I will do it again. Fasting for the rest of the day. I will not let myself down. I have come too far for failure.

Stay strong, starve on.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Let me start off by telling you about the past two days. They were pretty much awful, to say the least. I was constantly shoving food into my wanting mouth. No matter what my mind wanted, it just couldn't over power what my body longed for. Idle hands. I must have gained at least five pounds. I can feel it disgustingly hang all over my body. However, I do not know the exact numbers of my weight gain, because unfortunately my scale was broken over the past weekend. I don't know how long it's going to be until I see the grade my body was given for this disaster or any other disasters that are to come over the next week. I am going to have to try extra hard. I can't gain anymore weight than I already have.
With that being said, I am going to tell you of my plans for today. I plan to fast today and possibly tomorrow. I would usually fast for more than one day, but recently my sister has been making comments, here and there, about my eating habits. It all depends on how observant she is over the next few days. If I feel I can get away with a few more fasting days, I will definitely do so. I have to make up for my last two days of devouring everything in my sight.
I could really use some motivation guys. Please leave me some comments.


Note: I will not reveal my actual weight until I am comfortable enough. I know this sounds stupid, because it's an online blog and you don't know who I really am. It helps me, if you aren't aware of my weight I will become more motivated to lose more weight, faster, to reveal a good number to you. In time you will learn my real weight. I will, however, let you in on my HW and GW.
HW: 256
GW: 110


When people heard what weight I would want to be and then realized how much I actually weighed they would think it isn't possible. They are wrong. I have already lost a great amount of that weight. I will be 110 pounds.

I will update you on the fast and if I am able to fast for more than one day tomorrow afternoon. Until then lovlies. stay strong, starve on.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Hi everybody.
This is my ana blog. I will give you updates (hopefully) daily. This first blog post will be me telling you a little bit about myself.
I have been overweight all my life. I have always tried doing something about it. A few years ago I decided to stop eating as much as possible and it helped. However, I am still not satisfied with my weight or with the way I look. I thought maybe if I had more support from my fellow ana's, my determination would double. So that is why I decided to open my life up to you. I can't wait to hear what you have to say.


Note: Please do not most any hurtful or unhelpful comments. Also the names have been changed to keep my identity secret. Last, the picture is not of me. It is my favorite thinspiration picture.


:D