Friday, November 06, 2009

Hey guys. I know it has, once again, been a few days since my last update. Sorry. I have been going through a lot over the past few weeks. First I would like to thank CreativeEatsYou for the amazing support. I really need it. I have been eating normally, maybe even a little too much, for the past week. I hate it so much. My mind despises it and wants me to stop. Ana is screaming into my ear day and night, begging me to stop. I am finally ready to obey once again. Starting tomorrow I will be going on a 3 day fast. I will need a lot of support. I have created an e-mail account that only my readers will have access to. If you would like to e-mail me to help me get through this, I would really appreciate it. I will also give you any kind of support you need. I am here for you and I hope you will be there for me. You can find the e-mail at the bottom of this entry.
I want to be thin. I want to be able to see by beautiful bones, every single bone. I will not eat. I will not eat. I will not eat. I will hate my body, until it is truely perfect in every single was possible. I will thrive for perfection. I will thrive to be thin. I will refuse the food that calls out to me all hours of the day. I will become perfect. I will die successful and beautiful.
I must go. I apologize for the sketchiness and inconsistency of this entry. My mind is such a blur at the moment.

e-mail for support: thrivingforperfection@yahoo.com
Note: Please do not send me any rude, hurtful, or unsupportive e-mails. You honestly do not understand what I go through, what others go through. And you won't until you go through the pain yourself.

I love you all.
Stay strong, starve on.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Hey guys. I know it has been a few days since my last update, but my life has just been so jumbled that I just didn't have time. First I would like to thank Survival of the Thinnest for the support. I really need it at this point in my life. I feel like everything is going wrong, even the small things in my life. It's not just my trouble with eating, it is everything. Absolutely everything. I feel I don't have any control over my life. My eating has been really bad for the past few weeks, as most of you know. It has continued. I haven't exercised. I have been eating everything I want to eat and everything I don't. I haven't purged one bit of it up. I just want to die. I could really use your support, until I get back on track. Last night I was up crying and thinking to myself. I thought that maybe I am supposed to be fat, so everyone else has something to look at and realize they don't want to look like me. I have so many emotions flowing out at once. I wish I could fill you in on what has been going on. I am really sorry that I can't, but it is for the sake of my identity. You understand, right? I don't want to feel like I am alone in all of this, but the truth is I am alone. I have no one to help me out, no one to support me, no one to just sit by my side and allow me to cry. I hate it so much. Well I am afraid I must make this short.

Stay strong, starve on.
I love you all.

By the way: If you would like to be metioned in my blog like a few others have been, you have to leave me a very supporting comment. That is how the others were mentioned. Thanks. :D


Thinspiration:

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Well, I have had the worst day of my life. I can't give the details because if someone I know comes across this they will automatically know who I am. It involves school. Anyways. I think I did pretty good with eating today. However, I didn't fast like I was supposed to. I am proud of myself though. Usually during times like this I eat everything in sight, but I didn't do that this time. I ate lunch at school and I ate a little bit of pasta when I got home. I drank a small lunch carton of fat-free white milk and a few glasses of water. No school tomorrow. A little Halloween break. I plan to use the day to work on my ana/mia/ednos diary, workout, and study a few tips and tricks to see what works for me and what doesn't based on experiment. I have a little tip that works great. If you have really skinny friends, examine them when you get the chance (without being noticed, of course.). Look at everything you find appealing on their body. You will want it so bad that you will refuse food. Also, picture yourself that size. When you cut your weight in half, your friendships double. Less weight, more friends. People will be drawn to you. Try it out and let me know if it works for you. It does for me. :D

Stay strong, starve on.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Hi everyone. First I would like to thanks xokinsey for your encouraging comment. You helped me realize that I am not the only on with weak points.
Well yesterday, as you know, I decided to eat regularly. It went okay, I guess. It definitely made me feel terrible, but today is a fasting day. I have done great so far. I have only consumed water. I am just a little concerned that I will go back to eating. Those few days of failure have really discouraged me. I didn't exercise yesterday, as planned. However, I will today. I always exercise during my fasts. I know you shouldn't. You are supposed to rest, but I don't and I don't plan to. I need to exercise more than anything. Plus this will be a three day fast, so there isn't really much danger in exercising during it, unless I start feeling dizzy. I am always safe. If I feel I am going to pass out, I stop exercising and continue when I have more strength. Leave me a few comments. :D

Stay strong, starve on.




One more thing. If you have a myspace, add To Write Love On Her Arms. www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms. They really need the support. If you don't know what TWLOHA is, it is a non-profit organization that helps self-mutilation victims (people who cut themselves.) It is supported by people such as Paramore, Meg and Dia, A Skylit Drive, The Rocket Summer, Thrice, Amy Lee of Evanescence, Jimmy Eat World, Copeland, Anberlin, Hawthorne Heights [[RIP Casey Calvert]], and much more. You can go to their website and purchase clothing items and donate to their charity. http://www.twloha.com/. You can also go to http://www.halfofus.com/ to learn more about suicide, self-mutilation, depression, etc. Thanks so much my starving beauties.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I don't know what is going on with me. I have never made this many mistakes, since I have had my eating disorder. I slipped up again. Yesterday I said I was going to fast, and then I fucked up. Then I swore I was going to fast for the rest of the day and I fucked up again. I ate more of my mother's leftovers from the night before. Then I ate what she cooked last night. I wanted to purge so bad, but I couldn't. My mom was in the computer room for hours, which is right by the bathroom. I need to take control of myself and my eating. I don't know what is happening. Maybe my body and mind has suffered so much from the lack of calories, causing me to give up. Has anybody else had a streak like this, where no matter how hard they tried they just couldn't resist food? If so please let me know that I'm not alone. I fear calories. They haunt my dreams. They are what made my life so terrible before my eating disorder. I don't want them messing my life up again. I must resist. Today, however, I decided I will eat normally. I chose to do this for two reasons. One (the main reason), maybe if my body gets a normal amount of calories it wont reject the starvation to a point where I am (basically) unwillingly eating. Two, I just can't deal with failure right now. If I lower my goal for the day, I won't be disappointed. Tomorrow I will fast. I don't care how much my body wants to endulge. I will not eat. If, for some reason, I just so happen to slip up, I will purge it all away. The starving part of my mind may have tricked my body into eating, but it can't stop me from shoving my fingers down my throat, ridding myself of the disgusting calories. I am sorry I have let you down Ana, but I promise I will make it up to you.

Goals for the Day:
 - eat normally.
 - 2 hours of FitTV exercise programs.
 - 1 hour walk.

Stay strong, starve on.

I know I haven't been strong lately, but don't give up. Even if you have weak points like me, you can always bounce back. I know I will.

Monday, October 26, 2009 [Part Two]

I wish someone could tell me where all of my self control went. How is it that not even five minutes of posting my last blog I find my self wandering to the kitchen? My mind reaching out for something to hold onto to keep me from the devious calories, but my hands reaching out openly for them. I pull out my mothers leftovers from last night, put them in the microwave, salivating at the smell of the chicken. The microvawe beeps, I pull the plate out and start shoving it into my wanting mouth. My fingers are burning from the high temperature of the chicken, but they don't care, they are getting what they want. Honestly, what is wrong with me? How could I fuck up so many times in three days? I want so badly to run into the bathroom and thrust my fingers down my greedy throat, forcing it all out. But I swore to myself I would never turn to purging again. Why shouldn't I? I should punish my body for what it has done. But I won't. Instead I will work off the calories, I will exercise to no end. I will exercise until I collapse from the pain and once I recover, I will do it again. Fasting for the rest of the day. I will not let myself down. I have come too far for failure.

Stay strong, starve on.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Let me start off by telling you about the past two days. They were pretty much awful, to say the least. I was constantly shoving food into my wanting mouth. No matter what my mind wanted, it just couldn't over power what my body longed for. Idle hands. I must have gained at least five pounds. I can feel it disgustingly hang all over my body. However, I do not know the exact numbers of my weight gain, because unfortunately my scale was broken over the past weekend. I don't know how long it's going to be until I see the grade my body was given for this disaster or any other disasters that are to come over the next week. I am going to have to try extra hard. I can't gain anymore weight than I already have.
With that being said, I am going to tell you of my plans for today. I plan to fast today and possibly tomorrow. I would usually fast for more than one day, but recently my sister has been making comments, here and there, about my eating habits. It all depends on how observant she is over the next few days. If I feel I can get away with a few more fasting days, I will definitely do so. I have to make up for my last two days of devouring everything in my sight.
I could really use some motivation guys. Please leave me some comments.


Note: I will not reveal my actual weight until I am comfortable enough. I know this sounds stupid, because it's an online blog and you don't know who I really am. It helps me, if you aren't aware of my weight I will become more motivated to lose more weight, faster, to reveal a good number to you. In time you will learn my real weight. I will, however, let you in on my HW and GW.
HW: 256
GW: 110


When people heard what weight I would want to be and then realized how much I actually weighed they would think it isn't possible. They are wrong. I have already lost a great amount of that weight. I will be 110 pounds.

I will update you on the fast and if I am able to fast for more than one day tomorrow afternoon. Until then lovlies. stay strong, starve on.