Monday, October 26, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009 [Part Two]

I wish someone could tell me where all of my self control went. How is it that not even five minutes of posting my last blog I find my self wandering to the kitchen? My mind reaching out for something to hold onto to keep me from the devious calories, but my hands reaching out openly for them. I pull out my mothers leftovers from last night, put them in the microwave, salivating at the smell of the chicken. The microvawe beeps, I pull the plate out and start shoving it into my wanting mouth. My fingers are burning from the high temperature of the chicken, but they don't care, they are getting what they want. Honestly, what is wrong with me? How could I fuck up so many times in three days? I want so badly to run into the bathroom and thrust my fingers down my greedy throat, forcing it all out. But I swore to myself I would never turn to purging again. Why shouldn't I? I should punish my body for what it has done. But I won't. Instead I will work off the calories, I will exercise to no end. I will exercise until I collapse from the pain and once I recover, I will do it again. Fasting for the rest of the day. I will not let myself down. I have come too far for failure.

Stay strong, starve on.

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