Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I don't know what is going on with me. I have never made this many mistakes, since I have had my eating disorder. I slipped up again. Yesterday I said I was going to fast, and then I fucked up. Then I swore I was going to fast for the rest of the day and I fucked up again. I ate more of my mother's leftovers from the night before. Then I ate what she cooked last night. I wanted to purge so bad, but I couldn't. My mom was in the computer room for hours, which is right by the bathroom. I need to take control of myself and my eating. I don't know what is happening. Maybe my body and mind has suffered so much from the lack of calories, causing me to give up. Has anybody else had a streak like this, where no matter how hard they tried they just couldn't resist food? If so please let me know that I'm not alone. I fear calories. They haunt my dreams. They are what made my life so terrible before my eating disorder. I don't want them messing my life up again. I must resist. Today, however, I decided I will eat normally. I chose to do this for two reasons. One (the main reason), maybe if my body gets a normal amount of calories it wont reject the starvation to a point where I am (basically) unwillingly eating. Two, I just can't deal with failure right now. If I lower my goal for the day, I won't be disappointed. Tomorrow I will fast. I don't care how much my body wants to endulge. I will not eat. If, for some reason, I just so happen to slip up, I will purge it all away. The starving part of my mind may have tricked my body into eating, but it can't stop me from shoving my fingers down my throat, ridding myself of the disgusting calories. I am sorry I have let you down Ana, but I promise I will make it up to you.

Goals for the Day:
 - eat normally.
 - 2 hours of FitTV exercise programs.
 - 1 hour walk.

Stay strong, starve on.

I know I haven't been strong lately, but don't give up. Even if you have weak points like me, you can always bounce back. I know I will.

2 comments:

xokinsey said...

I feel the same way you do. I try to fast and not binge, but my love of food kills me every time. Today, for example, I binged like crazy! It was awful, but every night I think tomorrow we be better, I'm not going to continue to ruin my body with disgusting food.

SubtleDeviance said...

It feels so good to know that I am not the only one with weak points. I hope things get better for the both of us. We just have to stay strong. :D